Couple Looking For A Personal Assistant Post The Most Pretentious Advert Ever

It’s pretty common to hate your job, right? You have those days where you wish that you were doing any other job in the world because “surely it’s better than what I’m doing right now”. While your job may suck, at least it’s not as bad as a current vacancy that is being listed on CraigsList, by someone who sounds like the worst boss of all time.

A job listing for a personal assistant in San Francisco has been doing the rounds on social media, not because it’s a great role, but because the listing is insanely ridiculous and so specific. One the face of it, the role sounds pretty good; being a PA to a couple in their 40’s who live in the SOMA neighbourhood and have a cute dog, but when you get to the specifics, the truth is something quite different.

First off, the couple start with a paragraph titled THE PROBLEM in which they list the reasons why they need a PA and it becomes clear that they are pretty nuts. Take a look at the message below:

However, while this is just the beginning, it’s when the couple start listing what they want from their PA that things get a little weird.

In an insanely long paragraph, titled “THE SOLUTION”, the couple describe their perfect candidate. Be prepared, it’s a long old read.

“Our ideal full-time (or part-time) personal assistant is chill but also gets sh*t done. 

“Ideally, you have experience being a personal assistant for a CXO in the past (and you really liked it). 

“You aren’t dramatic or tightly wound, however, you’re also not lazy or sloth-like (nothing against sloths). You’re level-headed and your friends think you have great judgment. You’re down to earth, not cocky, humble, and always willing to admit when you’re wrong. You aren’t too stubborn to apologize. You don’t get defensive and deflect. You own your mistakes and see them as opportunities to improve. You have confidence in yourself and although you are very empathetic, you rarely get overwhelmed by your emotions. You aren’t dramatic and you aren’t having regular melt-downs. You’re warm, welcoming, and always down for a good time. You take pride in your work quality (no matter what it is — big or small) and believe everything you create is a reflection of you and your character/abilities so you want it to be good. You notice inefficiencies and tend to find ways to save time, streamline, or automate where you can. You’re observant and detail-oriented. You always know where your keys are or where your wallet is because you make it a point to place them in the same place. You have a great memory and rarely have to say “Oh, I forgot.” You believe that there’s a place for everything and everything should be in its place. You’re naturally organized and clean. You don’t like messiness. You feel compelled to straighten items if they’re crooked. Aesthetics, design, and beauty in life are things that you notice and appreciate. It genuinely makes you happy to help others and make others smile. You find it rewarding to do things for others. (If you don’t feel this way, you will either hate this role or it will be awkward for us because you won’t seem happy.) Your friends think that you’re the one in your group who has their act together the most in terms of being responsible, responsive, and risk-averse. You take pride in working smart vs. working hard. You do things well AND you do it as quickly as possible. You consistently strive for both quality and speed. You like to laugh and your friends think you can be funny. You smile and/or laugh when you tell a joke or say something humorous (dry senses of humor need not apply)! You care about visual presentation and delivery of your words. You enjoy making things look nice. You enjoy making things smell nice. You have a kind heart and try to not be selfish. You are generous with your attention and love. You are a strong communicator and can tell an engaging story. If something needs to get done, you find a way. You’re very comfortable with technology and devices. You use your smartphone all the time. You use your laptop all the time. Google is your best friend. You take pride in how you look — whatever that “look” or style may be for you. At the same time, you also want to be practical and functional (e.g., you’re “bohemian chic” but avoid the giant wedges that will prevent you from hustling around town, you’re “cool hipster” but don’t wear the super tight jeans that won’t leave you room in your pockets to hold my dog’s potty bags, you’re totally “minimalistic modern” but avoid the white on white look so you’re not afraid to get dirty when cooking, etc.) “

I mean, what the hell guys? C’mon, this is so so ridiculous. The specifics about someones character are so insane and then the bit about their style? Wow.

Amazingly, the ad continues, with the requirements sections being even more insane.

Personal favourites here: You are only allowed five drinks per week (I think this job would drive you to a lot more), you must be able to swim well in the ocean (???????), and be able to protect a dog from being attacked by another dog… what?

Not done there, the bonus points are just as strange: it’d be great if you have experience with long hair (which rules out a lot of people), and enjoy watching them ski, while you sit on a mountain.

Amazing stuff. Next time you think your boss is a jerk, just take a look at this advert and remember it could be a whole lot worse. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go and give my boss a massive hug for being so nice to me.

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