The 13 Worst Underground Transportation Offenses A Passenger Can Commit

Ah, good old underground transportation… we hate you but we love you. On one hand, it would be ignorant to not be grateful for this magical feat of urban planning, which allows us to get from one place to another in minutes when, decades ago, it would’ve taken hours. On the other hand (the hand of our ungrateful, bratty selves), underground transportation is the absolute worst.

Sure, when you’re packed like sardines in a stuffy train car, a brewing hatred for those around you is inevitable. But some passengers make the circumstance even more intolerable by doing things that (we think) should be illegal. These are the 13 worst transportation offenses a passenger can commit:

1. The woman who douses herself in perfume right before getting off

We get it, you have a hot date tonight, but can you please just wait until you step out of the train? I am festering in a flowery gas bomb and I haven’t had access to oxygen in about two minutes

2. The people who walk unbearably slowly through the station because they are too busy texting

I’m really glad you and your friend Josh agree that the new Spiderman was the best one yet, but I have to get to work, so lets get a little pep in that step

3. The guy wearing a backpack, yet moves his torso as if he wasn’t wearing a backpack

With every turn you take, sir, I lose a rib. Please put the bag on the floor, or stand still

4. The guy who stares

I’m already standing on a crowded train, sweating my *ss off after a long day at work, the last thing I need is your unrelenting pervy gaze. If you don’t stop, I will stare back at you, and then we’ll both feel weird… how does that sound?

5. The people who flip out when they need to get off

Lady, you can relax with your “EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME! I NEED TO GET OFF HERE.” Most of the time it’s a stop that everyone else needs to get off at too, so don’t worry, your time will come

6. The people who put their bags on the empty seats next to them

That’s what laps are for, folks. And if it’s a wet umbrella that they put down, I’ll truly go bonkers. Thanks for ruining that seat, sir!

7. The people who are standing in front of the doors and won’t move

 Step to the side when people are trying to get off, don’t stare up at the ceiling pretending like your feet got accidentally glued in place

8. The people who eat food that needs to be cooked or re-heated in any way

If you need to scoff down a granola bar before you get off because you’re about to be in a situation where food is not available and you will otherwise starve, that’s fine. But if you want to leisurely eat your spaghetti and meatball leftovers from last night, please do so above ground

9. The people who try aggressively to get on the train before letting everyone get off

So long as bodies are moving out, the doors are not going to close. Take this as a lesson in both etiquette and patience

10. The PDA couple

Please calm yourself until you’re off the train. This also happens to be one of the least romantic settings of all time, so we don’t really understand your desire for PDA in the first place… do you not smell that hanging aroma of B.O. in the air?

11. The guy who tries to force his body onto a train that is clearly filled to the brim

We understand that you need to be somewhere, but if the only way you’re going to fit on this train is by bodysurfing across a sea of cramped individuals, then either try another car or just give up. We both know that the exact same train is coming within the next five minutes

12. The person standing next to the tiny window who for some reason refuses to open it on an extremely hot day

We all know that nothing is more unbearable than underground transportation during the summer, so please, for the sake of mankind, open the window

13. The person who doesn’t hold onto the railing because they think they are the world’s next olympic gymnastics champion

 You may think that you have the best balance in the world, but when this train stops abruptly I can guarantee that you won’t be able to catch yourself. And guess who is going to have to catch you? Me. So please, stop trying to impress everyone and just hold the railing

Perhaps one day the urban planning geniuses of the world will invent a one-person subway car so encounters with passengers like this can be avoided forever. Wouldn’t that be nice? Until then, we’ll just keep biting our tongues and holding our noses until it’s our stop and we can find sweet salvation in the rude drivers and bikers that exist above ground!

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